The Half Blood Prince's Diary
by Eilish03
Summary: Teenage Severus Snape writes in his diary about his love for Lily, his rivalry with James and the wrong decisions that lead him into becoming a Death Eater.
1. Chapter 1

_The first part of this story was written after HBP was published. The purpose of this story is to show Snape as a teenager, he's in love with Lily, he's warm hearted and good however he takes wrong decisions in moments of anger. The years are as accurate as possible however the days are random. There are two parts to this story, the first part ends with Lily's death and the second one takes place during Harry's years in Hogwarts. The second part was written after the release of the Deathly Hallows and contains facts relating to the book. _

Hope you enjoy my story!!!

**THE HALF BLOOD PRINCE'S DIARY**

**_November 2__nd__ 1976_**

_Keeping a diary, this is so mugglish, but I don't think I can keep this hidden anymore. I have never told anyone but if I don't talk about it I'm going to explode. That's why I've chosen the blank pages of this book, that was originally meant to be a Herbology textbook but that I managed to nick before printing, to be my secret-keeper, because they will be the only ones that will listen to all I have to say without judging, without mocking or laughing. _

"_Sweetie, don't make the same mistake I did, please promise me you won't fall for a muggle or anyone with a muggle family background" My mother told me over and over again when I was growing up. _

"_Don't worry mum" I answered firmly "That will never, never happen" I said at least a hundred times. Well I guess you should never say never._

_My mother always made sure I wouldn't forget my promise, that's why she retold me frequently her tragic life-story so I could learn from it. I'll transcript it for you._

"_Eileen, please understand what I'm telling you" my father told me scoldingly "Tobias is a muggle, he will never accept you for who you are" _

"_Yes he will" I yelled back "Because he loves me as much as I love him" _

"_He will never understand our world" my mother used to tell me in a sweeter voice than my father. "No one with a muggle background can understand" _

"_He'll adapt, he promised me" I said crying to my mother._

"_No he won't sweetie" my mother told me as she put her hand on my shoulder trying to comfort me "Trust us, we lived much more than you have, we know better."_

"_But I love him" I said sobbing into my mother arms._

"_That's enough Eileen!" yelled my father. "You'll marry with whom we've chosen, and that's it. End of the discussion." said my father infuriated. _

"_No!!" I screamed at my father "I won't"_

"_But Eileen, you couldn't wish for a better candidate, he's rich, famous, with a bright future, but most important he is a pure-blood, not a single muggle in his family background" said my mother trying to convince me. "Muggles disturb family lines, even muggle borns do because when they enter a magic family line they diminish the quality of performance in the family, because they will never be half as a talented as pure-bloods"_

"_They are a stain to the magic world" said my father disdainfully "Filthy mud-bloods" he muttered more to himself than to me "If a mud-blood is a disgrace to any family" he looked at me with pure rage in his eyes "What do you think a muggle is?!" He roared furiously_

"_I will marry him!!" I screamed and ran out to my bedroom. _

"_You'll regret it!!" shouted my father after me._

_My mother did marry my father, and my grandfather disowned her, especially because somehow the Daily Prophet got wind of it and published an article regarding her engagement, making public what my grandfather thought was an extremely shameful event. _

_And how has her life… our life… been? Hell. _

_My grandfather was right, he never understood our world, he always called my mother abnormal and freak, always screamed at her and blamed her for all the things that went wrong in his life. I used to lock myself in my room and tried really hard to shut out every noise, every voice and every feeling, because I was deeply resented to both of them, my father for being such a violent and insensitive man and my mother for not having the strength to defend herself. Slowly he managed to drain all her self-confidence, making her unable to perform magic, because even today that my father has been dead for three years, she can't perform the simplest of spells. _

_At first I started blocking all this because I wanted to protect myself, but as time flew by I started doing it at will, that's why when I arrived at Hogwarts, I was already an Oclumens, although I wasn't half as good as I am now. _

_I arrived at Hogwarts happy to have escaped my life at home, but here I found another kind of hell. Since the very first moment James Potter laid eye on me he loathed me, I don't know the reason but I don't care. He has a gang, Sirius Black, Remus Lupin, and Peter Pettigrew, they call themselves "The Marauders" _

_Since the very first day he has made every possible attempt to make my life here unbearable, and in many occasions… he has achieved it. But someday I'll get revenge for every little thing he has ever done to me. _

_The Marauders are always getting themselves in trouble, big trouble, escaping expulsion narrowly, but someday I'll find a prove strong enough to get them out of here, and I'm getting near something, Remus disappears constantly, he hides something, and I'm going to find out what it is. _

_I also arrived at this school hating every single muggle-born there is, my grandfather was right they are stain to the magical world. I was determined to keep the promise I had made my mother about never falling for any muggle related. _

_But today what I said would never happen has happened, I don't know how it happened, but I cannot deny it any longer, I'm in love with the muggle-born, Lily Evans. She's a tall, thin girl with thick red hair that fells to her shoulders but what I like most of her are her almond-shape green eyes. I have never seen such beautiful eyes. _

_Suddenly I found myself feeling myself feeling nervous around her, hoping I would run into her while we do rounds at night, she's a prefect for Gryffindor House, smiling whenever I thought of her. When I realised what all of this meant, I got very mad at myself, how after all I had lived, could I allow myself have feelings for a muggle-born, it was simply unforgivable._

_Ever since that day I've tried to get over these feelings, and sometimes I think I have achieved it, but the minute I see her green almond-eyes I realise these feeling are not gone. And they have grown to the extent that today I have no choice but to admit, I'm deeply in love with her. _

_I no longer know if what I'm feeling is right or wrong because she is a muggle-born and I know, for my own experience, the consequences it can bring, but when I look at her I cannot see her diminishing in any away a family blood-line, on the contrary she is so bright and has so much to give. She cannot possibly be categorised as my grandfather used to say "a stain in the magical world" And every time I call her mud-blood, because that's the way I've addressed her ever since I found out she was a muggle-born, I'm hurting myself more than I hurt her. _

_In a curious twist of fate she's the girl James wants the most, but she's the girl that dislikes James the most, and few of the ones that have resisted him, because as much as I hate to admit it, he's very popular, because he's mildly good at playing Quidditch. _

_**November 12, 1976.**_

_I followed Remus through the grounds. Where was he going? The night was too dark, even though there was a full moon, its light couldn't go through the thick black clouds, so I lost track of him. I gave up and was about to turn back to the castle when suddenly that murderer appeared from nowhere. _

"_You really want to know…" said Sirius with a crooked smile on his face. "you just have to prod the knot on the tree trunk of the Whomping Willow with a long stick and you'll be able to get in… follow the corridor" he finished and then disappeared. _

_I doubted for long seconds, what was the trick in this… I should've imagined it, after all he's a member of the Black family, but today I realise that he's even more evil than Bellatrix and Regulus. _

_Still, I did what he told me, I never thought it would actually work, I thought the tree was going to go wilder, surely he just wanted the tree to attack even more fiercely than usual, but to my surprise, it suddenly became steady. I desperately started looking for an entrance, before the tree began attacking again, and I found one. I crawled in, and slid down a slope to the bottom of a very low tunnel, I started walking made a turn right and suddenly at the end of the corridor I saw a room, the door was half-open, and something seemed to be roaring inside, a beast with clawed paws and dark-yellow hair, but I couldn't tell what it was, it was too dark. I was going to get closer to get a better look so I started walking, when suddenly someone pulled my arm so hard that I lost my balance and would've fallen to the floor if another hand wouldn't have supported me by the shoulder, I looked up and to my complete horror, it was James Potter._

"_Severus don't… come back, its too dangerous" said James anxiously. I immediately released myself from his grip, I was disgusted, how dare he lay a hand upon me._

"_Don't touch me!!" I yelled. The roaring in the back became louder, but now more than ever I was determined to find out what was there, so I started walking with giant steps, to escape James grip in case he attempted to hold me back again. I had only given three steps when I again felt James tight grip on my arm, but now I could see the clear silhouette of the beast… it was werewolf… and it had laid eyes upon me…it's black eyes were fixed on me… I froze, I couldn't think… everything became slow motion… the werewolf gave a big leapt towards me, he was going to attack me, to sink his claws on me and to bite me… to death. When suddenly a flash of green light made the door slam shut hitting the werewolf in the face. The beast roared louder than ever in both pain and anger, and it was not going to stop until he tore the door down. _

"_Come on!!" yelled James and gave a hard pull on my arm. We ran as hard as we could through the dark corridor that now seemed endless, we could still hear the howls of the beast… it's the scariest sound I've ever heard in my life, I'm trembling just to remember it. _

_Suddenly I felt the grass of the grounds again, we were safe. I was panting; I closed my eyes to calm myself, when suddenly everything made sense… the beast… the worewolf… was Remus… I opened my eyes and looked up at James and smiled wickedly. _

"_Severus…" he said with such an alarmed face, I had never seen him so scared. "you have to listen to me…"_

"_Everyone will know… I swear" I said filling with sudden joy. It was going to be a sweet revenge. _

"_No you can't tell anyone!!" James said clearly shaking… with fear._

_I laughed; I was starting to enjoy my victory._

"_Students out of bed!!" bellowed a voice behind us, I turned and to my horror there was Argus Filch. He grabbed us both and dragged us into the castle and at the door we stumbled with Headmaster Dumbledore._

"_These students were wandering off!!" said Filch clearly enjoying himself for having caught us. _

_James desperately tried to loosen his grip from Filch, with a crazy look on his face. "Severus knows" he muttered under his breath, Dumbledore frowned. Filch gave James a tighter grip "Remus" he muttered again. The Headmaster turned to see me, he was astonished, he opened his mouth to tell me something, but instead addressed to Filch. _

"_Take them to my office." said Dumbledore with an even but firm voice. Argus couldn't look happier, of course, he thought that Dumbledore would punish us personally for wandering off… he doesn't even imagine. _

"_What happened?" asked Dumbledore, when we were in his study alone. He was eyeing us both with a very severe look. _

_Dumbledore listened carefully to the story and then remained quiet for several minutes. _

"_Severus…" he started very calmly "you must understand that Remus situation is very difficult for him."_

"_He tried to kill me!!" I yelled "Along with Black!!" I was absolutely fuming, how could Dumbledore over look something like that._

"_He did not try to kill you" Dumbledore said calmly. The tranquillity in his voice just made me feel more enraged. "You know that werewolves loose their personality when they transform. He didn't know who you were when he tried to attack you"_

"_He knew I would go…" I said boiling in anger "He planned it along with Black!! They are both a couple of…"_

"_Watch your mouth!!" interrupted Dumbledore with the hardest tone I've ever heard him._

"_I don't think it was planned…" continued Dumbledore more evenly; he looked at James who was standing behind me._

"_No it wasn't" said James quietly "I mean when Sirius told me what he had just done, he laughed" I turned to see James full of fury and for an instant a flicker of fear crossed his face. "He just thought of it as a practical joke." continued James with a fake apologetical tone in his voice. The only thing he wanted was to win Dumbledore over, so he pretended to be ashamed for Black's action… a clear attempt of murder. _

"_Very thoughtless…" said Dumbledore with a hard tone in his voice to James, he stared at the floor. His attitude made me feel beyond furious, James was there pulling an act of guilt to win Dumbledore's good will. _

"_But I don't think Sirius intended you any real harm" said Dumbledore to me. I turned to see him; I couldn't believe what I was hearing… Dumbledore was defending Sirius, I won't deny it hurt me profoundly and that eyed him resentfully. ._

"_What!!" I yelled. I had completely lost my temper "Are you going to ignore the fact that he tried to--"_

"_Enough!!" said Dumbledore impatiently. _

"_Sirius careless joke won't go unpunished" continued Dumbledore trying to sound reassuring "I promise you" he finished _

_To be honest, I was so disappointed by Dumbledore's attitude toward Sirius, that I no longer cared what he said; I just wanted to get out of there. _

"_But Severus, I want you to promise me you won't say anything about Remus" said Dumbledore in a tone that tried to sound conciliating. I didn't answer, just looked around his office, I was very angry._

"_Severus" said Dumbledore looking really hard into my elusive eyes "I'm forbidding you to tell anyone" he made a special emphasis in the "I'm forbidding" part "Do you understand me?" he finished in a sharp tone. _

"_Yes, sir" I answered in an unfriendly tone and still without meeting his eyes._

"_Do I have your word?" asked Dumbledore still looking fixedly into my eyes. _

"_Yes, sir" I repeated, this time I did look at him, but rather coldly._

"_I don't trust him" said James loudly and stepping forward "Make him do an Unbreakable Vow" _

"_That won't be necessary" said Dumbledore recovering his usual calmed tone and turning to see James._

"_But sir" started James sounding rather desperate "he won't keep his word, he'll---"_

"_I trust Severus word" interrupted Dumbledore "he won't say anything" _

_James turned to see me with a distrustful look on his face, I smiled giving him every hint that I will indeed tell everyone… the look on his face was so enjoyable. _

_But to tell the truth, no, I won't say anything, even though Dumbledore's attitude disappointed me deeply, his trust means everything to me, and I would never do anything that might jeopardise his faith in me._

_But being forced to keep this secret is not what hurts me the most of tonight's events… what I'm about to write is perhaps the most painful thing I'll ever write… I owe my life to…James Potter… it's killing me to admit this… but if he hadn't been there, I would have not lived to tell the tale. I would've walked right into the werewolf if he hadn't stopped me the first time and the second time when the werewolf leapt towards me, I thought I was going to die, I was so frightened I couldn't move. So yes, if it hadn't been for the arrogant, self-centred, and unbearable James Potter I would not be here tonight. My hand is quivering as I write this… but I'm indebted to him. _


	2. Chapter 2

_January 3, 1977_

_Tomorrow classes will start, the Christmas holidays are over, so everyone came back at school today. And even though the temperature was extremely low many students were out in the grounds, most of them playing snow fights. I was walking around, hearing all this cheery environment when I saw Lily sitting in the bench near the beech tree by the lake talking with two friends, Gryffindors. I think their names are Yulia and Katie, but I'm not quite sure, one was brunette and the other one was blonde. I immediately hid behind the tree that is near the bench so I could eavesdrop… I know it's wrong but couldn't help it. _

"_I don't deny he's an excellent Quidditch player, but that ego of his just makes him so…annoying sometimes" said Lily. It wasn't hard to figure out of whom they were talking about. _

"_Is just that he is so cute." said the blonde girl with a deep sigh _

"_When he is not hexing everybody that crosses his path" said Lily matter-of-factly._

"_He is not that bad" responded the brunette. _

"_Still you are so lucky, what I would give to be in your place" said the blonde girl to Lily with a longing expression in her eyes. "James has asked you out like a hundred times" there was a slight hint of envy in her voice. _

"_He is not really interested in me he just wants the attention" said Lily heavily, and frowning slightly _

"_And would you like him to be really interested in you?" asked the brunette girl, watching Lily's reaction out of the corner of her eye. _

"_He is just showing off" said Lily sounding upset. _

"_You didn't answer my question" said the brunette girl with a weird smile on her face; the blonde one was eyeing her worriedly. _

"_Of course not!!" she said impatiently and folded her arms. _

"_Then you don't mind if I try to get…" started the blonde one with a sudden hopeful expression on her face. _

"_You can do whatever you want!!" interrupted Lily rather roughly._

"_It's a beautiful day, isn't it" said a voice behind me, I completely jumped in surprise. I turned around and found Headmaster Dumbledore standing right behind me._

"_Enjoying your last day of vacations" asked Dumbledore with a big smile on his face._

"_Yes sir, indeed" I answered respectfully. _

"_Well that's nice" Dumbledore paused "I'm on my way to give Mr. Filch the new schedules for the prefects rounds" He showed me a very carefully rolled piece of parchment "I think you'll be pleased" he said casually. _

"_Why?" I asked frightfully. What had he meant by that?_

"_Well you'll no longer have to share rounds with Ms Evans" Dumbledore paused. My eyes went wide open. "I know you dislike her deeply, instead you'll do rounds with Frank Longbottom and Amelia Bones"_

"_I don't dislike her" I said. The words just burst out of my mouth; I had not intended to say anything. I shouldn't have. _

"_Then why do you call her names and treat her so disrespectfully. Why do you let yourself be affected by prejudice?" asked Dumbledore looking deep into my eyes, and with a slight frown. _

"_It's not prejudice" I said hastily "I have my reasons" I said avoiding the Headmaster's eyes. _

"_But for one isolated case, you shouldn't do a general judgement" said Dumbledore as calmed as always. I was astonished, could he possibly be talking about… _

"_Yes, I know it's because of your father." I was deeply surprised how come, did he know about my father, but I kept avoiding his eyes I certainly didn't want to discuss the matter any further. "But that doesn't mean that everyone with a muggle background is bad. Don't let go such an amazing opportunity, just because of the image your father left on you. You know better than that." Finished Dumbledore with a tone very similar to the one a father uses to convince his son to go back on the right track, and I only needed a little push. _

_Lily doesn't deserve it, she's shown me only good will and I shouldn't treat her so rudely, especially because well… I want a chance with her… but I won't say it doesn't scare me, I don't want to make the same mistake my mum did, but at the same time I don't want to loose such an "amazing opportunity" as Dumbledore says. _

"_Well seeing that you like her" Dumbledore said casually but with a very strong emphasis in "like". "I'll rethink the new schedules" Dumbledore finished and turned to leave but before he did, he gave me a little wink, a wink that shows that he has figured it out, he knows my secret. _

_January 18, 1977_

_Today at potions, Slughorn went crazy as always but this time he included Lily and me in his little event._

_I was sitting there, paying no attention at all, since I've already know everything he's been teaching these days when I heard my name called. _

"_Well let's see if you've learned as much as I hope you have" Slughorn said in his usual annoying tone. I don't like him very much. "Let's have a couple of students come at the front and tell me what these potions I have here, are" He pointed at the three cauldrons that were over his desk. "How about Mr. Snape and Ms Evans, my two best students" _

_I was most irritated to hear my name, but what could I do about it. I stood up and so did Lily._

"_Here we have these three potions" said Slughorn pointing again at them "Tell me what they are and their characteristics." Lily and I climbed a big step in order to get to Slughorn's desk. _

"_Let's start. Ms Evans, what is this one?" she bent over to look inside the first cauldron and so did I. _

"_Veritaserum" she answered very secure of herself._

"_Do you agree Mr. Snape?" Slughorn turned to see me. _

"_Yes" I said indifferently. We were the centre of attention of the classroom, and I don't like that._

"_Tell me its characteristics" said Slughorn_

"_It's completely colourless and odourless" I said. Slughorn was about to open his mouth but I saved him the trouble of making the question "if you drink it, it forces you to tell the truth about everything" _

"_Very well done" said Slughorn with a smile "Now look at this one". We bent over the second cauldron. _

"_What is it Mr. Snape?" Slughorn asked me again. _

"_Polyjuice Potion" I said firmly._

"_Do you agree Ms Evans?" Slughorn turned to see her. _

"_Yes, the mudlike essence is the main characteristic" said Lily with a timid smile in her face._

"_If you drink it, you can take the shape of someone else" said Slughorn turning to see the class "but in order to define who you will become what's essential Ms Evans" Slughorn continued as he eyed Lily again._

"_That you include a hair of the person you wish to transform in" answered Lily. _

"_Finally we have this one" He pointed to the last cauldron; we bent over to watch its contents. _

"_What is it Mr. Snape?" Slughorn asked. I rolled my eyes before answering._

"_Amortentia". _

"_And what is that Ms Evans" Slughorn asked_

"_A love potion" said Lily blushing slightly. _

"_The most powerful there is" added Slughorn "Its characteristics?" _

"_A mother-of-pearl sheen and the steam rising in spirals" said Lily._

"_Excellent!! Both of you. Ten points for each of your Houses." said Slughorn smiling; he seemed to be extremely pleased with himself. "You would make an excellent couple" _

_Giggles were heard everywhere, Lily blushed even more and I rolled my eyes again. But suddenly someone caught my attention, James. His face was as red as a tomato, looking at me hatefully. His expression was full of anger and jealousy, I had never seen him so infuriated. This completely made my day. _

"_Of potion-makers, what did you think?" said Slughorn in respond to all the giggling. "Well that's all for today. Class dismissed" _

_Everyone started to pack their things; I went back to my desk to collect my things also, when suddenly I noticed my Advanced Potion-Book was gone. I looked below the desk and the near chairs and desks, and couldn't find it. I continued looking, it had to be somewhere; it couldn't have vanished out of thin air, and it worries because that book contains precious information. _

"_Lost something?" said a voice, I looked up, it was Slughorn. _

"_My potions book" I answered rather coldly._

"_Oh my. When did you last see it?" Slughorn said. I rolled my eyes, it was a very stupid question._

"_Before you made me do that little show with Lily" I answered. Slughorn frowned slightly, there had been something in my answer that had surprised him, and I knew what it was, it was the first time he ever heard me address Lily by her name, I had always called her a mud-blood. _

"_That filthy little mud-blood" I added hurriedly. As much as I want to stop calling her by that name, I'm still not prepared to hear what people will say about it… or at least I wasn't._

"_There you are" said a voice at the back of the room "Alice is looking all over you" I turned and to my complete horror there was Frank Longbottom, talking to Lily. "She needs you for some girl stuff… she wouldn't tell me" said Frank casually. _

_Lily turned to see me and I saw the hurt in her eyes, my words had offended her deeply. When I called her… well that… I thought the classroom was empty. I'll never call her that again, I swear, I won't care what people think. _

"_Let's go" she said hastily to Frank and they left. _

_And I couldn't find my book, I'm afraid it might have landed in the wrong hands. _


	3. Chapter 3

_**January 19, 1977**_

_I found my book._

_During the break after lunch I was walking in the schoolgrounds when suddenly I heard someone behind my back scream:_

"_Levicorpus" Suddenly I was lifted by my ankle into the freezing air, I was hanging upside down. I immediately realised my book had landed in the worst hands ever; my biggest fear had become a reality._

"_Looking for this, Snivellus" said Sirius mockingly while he showed me my Advanced Potions-Making book. "It's been really helpful, thanks" finished Sirius sharply and threw it to the ground _

"_Let me down!" I demanded to James. _

"_Certainly" James answered energetically and lowered his wand as fast as possible so the fall would be as quickly and painful as possible. I hurt my heap really bad but I wasn't going to show it, I stood up right away. _

"_Rictu---" I started _

"_Expelliarmus" squeaked Peter's voice and my wand flew several feet away._

"_Impedimenta" cried Sirius and I felt like 10 invisible ropes tie around my body painfully. I struggled to move, but the ropes were imprisoning me really tight. _

"_Coward!!" I shouted at James who was now walking towards me "Why don't you fight me one on one? Like a real man!" But he didn't seem to be hearing; he had a furious look on his eyes that were now less than an inch from mine. _

"_I don't want to see you near my girl" James said slowly and threateningly. I smiled; this was because of yesterday's incident. "Or you'll regret it!!" James snapped at me. I laughed sarcastically. James turned and walked away._

"_She will never be your girl!!" I screamed at the top of my lungs "She'll never look at you. Never!! You are not good enough for her and never will be" I said venomously. _

_James stopped and turned around, he raised his wand furiously at me. _

"_Sectusempra!!" James yelled with all his might. I felt my face being slashed with an invisible sword and I bled awfully. _

_He has dared to turn my own spells on me. That coward will regret ever using one of my own inventions against me! I'll get revenge!!!!! _

_**January 20, 1977**_

_Today I saw Lily walk out the library holding several books and parchments in her hands, and well… a rather girlie idea came into my mind. Since the corridor was empty and she was giving her back to me, I muttered a spell on her books and parchments so they would fall to the floor, and when they did I approached her to help._

_She looked at me for a moment and then continued picking up her things._

"_I don't need your help" Lily said coldly and took from my hands the book I had picked up for her. _

"_Look, I'm sorry for what happened the other day" I said earnestly_

"_No, you aren't" Lily said roughly, without meeting my eyes. _

"_I promise I won't call you that again" I said truthfully, she laughed sarcastically and stood up. _

"_Yes you will, you always do" Lily said giving me a resentful look "Even when I try to stand up for you in front of James you don't miss the opportunity to insult me publicly" _

_I opened my mouth, but no words came out of it. How could I tell her that having James humiliate me in front of her causes me an excruciating pain and in order to hide it I call her mud-blood, but I don't mean it, it's just a way to protect myself. _

"_But I don't care" said Lily roughly and started walking, I grabbed her arm to stop her_

"_I want to be your friend" I said in a desperate attempt to make her trust me._

"_I don't believe you" said Lily sharply and released herself from my grip _

"_I'll prove it to you" I said firmly. _

"_Do whatever you want" said Lily more sharply than before, and walked away and I let her go. _

_She is really mad at me, but I cannot blame her. I'll prove to her that I really want to be her friend, I want to redeem myself, and this will be my first step in winning her heart. _

_**February 10, 1977**_

_Today at the Hogsmeade trip, I got to watch one of the many times Lily has blown of James. I was at the Three Broomsticks, drinking a butterbeer and reading The Daily Prophet, when I saw Lily come in and sit in a nearby table. I continued reading but a couple of minutes later the door opened and I saw James come in. _

"_Hey Lily" said James and grabbed a chair to sit, without even asking if he could, Lily rolled her eyes. "Why are you so lonely?"_

"_I'm waiting for Alice" Lily answered coldly, they brought her the butterbeer she had ordered. "What do you want?" she asked sounding annoyed_

"_What I've always wanted" said James "When will you go out with me?" asked James looking deep into her emerald eyes, she looked away._

"_Never" said Lily indifferently and began to drink from her butterbeer._

"_Never say never" said James chuckling._

"_Get lost!" Demanded Lily to James_

"_Oh come on, Lils" said James as he put his arm around her shoulder "Any girl would die to go out with Gryffindor's Quidditch star" said James loftily while his free hand jumped to his hair. _

_Lily seemed extremely mad "Get your arm off me! I'm warning you!" said Lily in the most dangerous tone I've ever heard her. _

"_What are you going to do about it?" said James arrogantly_

_She threw the butterbeer in his face as an answer stood up and left the Three Broomsticks looking really angry. I laughed hard, but James was so busy drying his face he didn't hear me. James stayed there for a while looking somehow surprised by Lily's behaviour, but finally left after several minutes. _

_**February 11, 1977**_

_When I walked out the library, I almost stumbled into James, Remus and Sirius they were just a few steps from me, I was very annoyed by this encounter, so I decided I would just pass them although having a very good grip of my wand at all time in case any of those wanted to attack me, when I heard what they were talking about._

"_And she threw the butterbeer in my face" said James, retelling yesterday's incident as if it had been amusing in some way for him. It certainly was amusing for me; in fact it was one of the best moments of my life. Sirius barked a laugh but Remus stayed silent. _

_They turned right and I turned behind them but they suddenly came to a halt, I hid myself so in case they turned around they wouldn't see me._

"_Padfoot, you know the Ministry will be visiting for dinner, and I overheard one of the elfs, saying they've cooked a delicious raspberry cake especially for him" Remus paused and made special emphasis in the next part "and just for him." _

_Less than a second later I heard Sirius running down the corridor to the kitchen, so he could nick some of the cake. Remus does know his friends very well, I'll give him that, he knows Sirius just hears food and flies away. _

"_Prongs, I know you to well, don't hide it from me" said Remus seriously._

"_Hide what?" asked James _

"_That you are hurt, because of Lily's rejection" Remus said bluntly. _

"_No, I'm not, she'll come around, she'll say yes next time" said James trying to give the matter no importance, but absolutely failing at it. _

"_You just proved me absolutely right" said Remus briskly. _

"_I did not" said James roughly._

"_Yes you did" said Remus sounding very firm "Why don't you admit that every time you ask her out you're truly hopeful she'll say yes, and every time she doesn't it hurts you" James didn't speak for a while. _

"_I guess because…" James paused, it surely was taking a lot of him to say what he felt "it's hard to even admit it to myself…" he said really slowly "I like her so much" _

"_And three years have passed since the first time you asked her out, how much more time are you planning to waste?" asked Remus anxiously_

"_She never says yes" said James quietly._

"_Of course she doesn't, and she won't if you keep behaving like that" Remus was clearly exasperating "She's made very clear what she doesn't like of your behaviour and you better change it fast before…" Remus stopped suddenly, but continued in a very sharp tone "she's very popular and one day, maybe not far from today, she might find someone else..." Remus stopped again "I'm just telling you mate, stop behaving like a spoiled brat or you may loose your opportunity and you'll regret it for the rest of your life." _

_James didn't answer to this instead he changed the subject, a clear sign that he had made deaf ears to Remus's words. He's just too proud to accept that he's done anything wrong in his precious life of arrogance and so-stupidly-believed superiority._

"_If you want to talk truths, then why don't we talk about yours" this time it was James turn to talk sharply._

"_My case is different" said Remus hastily._

"_Why don't you admit you have feelings for Alice" said James frankly _

"_How dare you say that, she's Frank's girlfriend" said Remus sounding deeply offended. _

"_Yes, but before she became Frank's girlfriend, she made very clear she had a crush on you, and don't dare deny it, you did too" said James firmly. _

"_She's much better with Frank, don't you see how happy she is" said Remus with an obvious hint of hurt in his voice. _

"_That's not the point, why did you waste your chance with Alice?" asked James_

"_Don't play innocent, you know perfectly well why" said Remus sounding very upset._

"_So you are just going to deny yourself any chance you have to love" asked James roughly._

"_Yes" said Remus quietly._

"_Why?!" said James exasperated "Don't you realise that the girl that truly loves you won't care"_

"_Won't care!!" yelled Remus, although he seemed to pull himself together rather quickly, because his voice was even again "What's the future you think awaits me…" said Remus sounding profoundly sad "Do you think that like you I'm just going to graduate and find a job… I'm dangerous…" _

"_You are not dangerous" said James in a voice that sounded earnest._

"_Of course I am" said Remus harshly "I'm going to do rounds" he finished sharply. _

_He walked away along the corridor, James followed shortly after, leaving me the path free to return to Slytherin's common room. _

_Remus is completely right; he'll never find a good-paid job being what he is… people will not want him near them once they know. His future does seem terrible. But I don't feel sorry for him, he tried to kill me. _


	4. Chapter 4

_**March 1**__**st**__** 1977**_

_Today was a perfect day. _

_I had the best class of Potions ever. James and his insufferable gang weren't there because they are all in the hospital wing. Remus has very severe scratching over his body, to be expected as yesterday was full moon, but the strange thing is all of his unbearable friends have very similar injuries to his. There's something very strange, about it… but today I don't care what they were up to._

"_Well let's have a little challenge today" said Slughorn. "In partners I want you to brew me correctly the Draught of the Living Death." General cheers were heard around the classroom. "But" interrupted Slughorn "your partner cannot be of the same house" the cheer was replaced by discontent "Because I'll be giving 20 points to each student and I don't want all 40 points go to a single house" Slughorn smiled and clapped his hands in the air "The team that finishes first will win the points. Get to work."_

_Suddenly the noise of chairs moving and voices talking indistinct chat were heard when suddenly a beautiful figure appeared at my desk. _

"_Can I work with you?" asked Lily shyly. _

_I was so surprised by this that I smiled a little bit too broadly._

"_Yes, of course" I said courteously "Sit, please" _

_And she did, I couldn't believe it, Lily was sitting at my table, because she had requested it. The fact she was the one who asked, meant a lot, meant that I've convinced her of my good will towards her. I haven't call her by that name, since I sworn I wouldn't and ever since I've always treated her with all kinds of attentions, in an attempt to prove my good will and to gain her trust, so we can be friends… and hopefully in a not very distant day more than friends. _

"_So let's start" she said to me casually. And so we did, we took all the ingredients out, start weighing on the scales to get the exact measures established in the book. I started cutting the sopophorous bean when…_

"_No. Don't cut them!" said Lily, quickly taking the knife out of my hand. I looked at her with a bewildered look on my face; that was what the book said we should do. She took a silver dagger out of her bag and handed it to me. _

"_Here, crush them with the flat side, the juice will come out more easily" she looked at me while she took a shred of red hair out of her face, she looked so beautiful. _

_I wasn't surprised to see she was right after all she's very good at potions, my grandmother was wrong; Lily is more talented than many pure-bloods I know. I made a little note in my book about the use of the silver dagger as I did this I took a quick look around, everyone seemed very concentrated in their potions, but I got the hint that we were the ones that had advanced the furthest, but I really didn't care if we won or not, I already had my prize. Lily was sitting next to me, talking to me, working with me, considering me a friend. _

_She began stirring the potion counterclockwise like the book said, we were in the final part of the process; we just needed it to turn pale pink. But after several minutes of stirring it still was as purple as it was in the beginning. _

"_Is not working?" she said biting her lip "Are you sure the book says counterclockwise?" she asked, looking intently at the potion as if she was demanding it with her mind to change its colour. _

_I looked again at the book, the instruction was right. "Yes, that what it says here" _

_Lily shook her head "No, let's do it clockwise"_

"_How about one clockwise and one counter clockwise?" I suggested, she agreed and started stirring again, but the colour remained the same. _

"_How about…" I was trying to think about some other option that could work "7 is the most powerful number in the magical world so why don't we do 7 counter clockwise and one clockwise" _

_Honestly I never thought it would work, it was a wild, spur of the moment idea, but it did, suddenly the colour started to turn to a pale pink. I will always remember the look on her face; it was like when you give a young child the toy he has most longed for. _

"_It worked! It worked!" she repeated happily and her hand flew into the air, Slughorn approached us immediately. "We've got it!" she said joyfully, clapping her hands._

"_Congratulations! It's perfect!" Slughorn looked very satisfied "The points are all yours" She looked at me with such a sweet smile on her face. _

"_We have the winners here" announced Slughorn, sounds of disappointment were heard all over the classroom. "Have a wonderful afternoon. Class dismissed" finished Slughorn. Everyone started to pack their things and so did we. _

"_Well" said Lily nervously as she stood up to leave "it was great to work with you" she pulled her hair behind her ear "see you around" and she left. _

_I don't think I've been this happy in… I cannot remember ever feeling this happy!_

_**March 13, 1977**_

"_Lily, Lily" I yelled so she could hear me, finally she turned. _

"_Hi Severus" she said casually, but I could see it in her emerald eyes, something was troubling her. _

"_You forgot your History of Magic book" I handed it to her._

"_Oh thanks" she said distractedly, her mind just seemed to be somewhere else. _

"_Are you feeling all right? I've seen you very absentminded lately, yesterday at potion's class you almost forgot to put beetles in your Wit Sharpening Potion and you never miss, you are the best at Potions" she smiled timidly again "And today you forgot your book of History of Magic, subject that you love although everyone finds it awfully boring"_

"_I'm all right, is just that I have some things in my mind" she answered. But there was something in her voice that made me feel worried and suddenly, to my great disgust, Remus appeared. I immediately took out my wand. _

"_I come in peace Severus" said Remus with a clear phoney conciliating tone in his voice._

"_I just want to have a word with Lily" said Remus casually.__ Still I didn't move an inch. _

"_Alone if you don't mind" He added, this disgusted me deeply but I left although I didn't wander of, I stayed near from where they were. What did Remus wanted to talk with Lily about? _

"_Lily… um… well… see" Remus started sounding nervous. I started to worry. _

"_James will ask you out tomorrow" I laughed, I had worried in vain that was nothing of importance, happened all the time. Lily tried to interrupt him, but Remus continued. _

"_I know this is nothing new to you, he has asked you... a hundred times maybe__... and well... not in the most proper manners, I must add" Lily smiled. _

"_But Lily" Remus continued sounding very serious "He's changed you don't know how much, he no longer hexes for the pleasure of doing it, he has stopped being the bigheaded Quidditch-Player who likes to show off every time he can, and you are not going to believe it... he has been able to keep himself out of detention for a month... a whole month." Both Lily and Remus laughed, and I did too. These were clearly lies; of one thing I'm sure, James will never stop being a vain little jerk. _

"_He's reformed, and you don't know how difficult is to reform a Marauder, and he's done it for you, because he loves you, he doesn't have just... some crush on you... he truly loves you" _

"_Yeah right…" said Lily sounding upset. "He's flirted with half the school, Carol, Julia, Natalie, Yulia, Nadja, and so many others" she folded her arms and frowned. _

"_Wow, you surely have kept good track of all of them" said Remus surprised._

"_Me… no!!... is just that… well.." Lily was having trouble finding something to say. _

"_Lily…" said Remus slowly and smiling broadly "do you have feelings for James?" _

"_You are crazy!!" Lily yelled at him, and started to walk as fast as she could, Remus rushed to grab her arm._

"_Ok, ok, ok, I won't push on the subject. Just let me finish" Remus released her arm. "Yes he likes to flirt, but just to attract attention, it doesn't mean anything." Remus looked deeply into her eyes "For years the only girl he has ever mentioned is you, he only has eyes for you… believe me" Remus made a long pause. _

"_Think about it, think about what I__'ve told you" finished Remus _

"_Um... does James know that... you've talked to me" asked Lily sounding nervous. _

_Remus shook his head and walked away.__ Lily seemed extremely puzzled, she was trying to figure out whether what Remus had told her was true or not. _

_But it isn't true, it can't be true. There isn't something in the world strong enough to make him change… he could have not changed… that's impossible. _

_**March 14, 1977**_

_For what I heard yesterday, I spent the whole day expecting some kind of attention-attracting event because every time James has asked Lily out, he has made sure the whole school finds out. That's why when I saw them sitting quietly in the bench under the shadow of the beach tree I worried, but still I thought the chance of her saying yes, was near to zero. Either way I was going to find out. _

"_Lily... I... just... well I was wandering..." James __started sounding nervous. He actually sounded nervous… I mean I have never heard James sound nervous about anything. _

"_Would you, please...__" James paused as if what he was going to say was a very difficult thing to say, as if he hadn't said it a hundred times before. "Go out with me" said James, in voice that lacked his usual arrogance, and that even sounded insecure. _

_I could see it in his hazel eyes he was pleading her to say yes as he timidly held his hand; he seemed dreadful to hear a "no" for an answer. And when I saw the way she was looking back at him, I knew… it's so extremely painful to write this… I knew she would say yes, and still her words hurt me more than I could ever describe. _

"_Yes, James I'll go out with you" she said looking happier than I have ever seen her before. His eyes also glowed with a sparkle of absolute joy, after all the girl of his dreams had just said yes. _

"_Thanks, thanks, thanks" __repeated James over and over "You tell me day, the time, where do you want to go, what do you want to do..." he was talking really, really fast. And to hush him up she… she kissed him… I froze with astonishment, anger and hurt, a lot of hurt. _

_This has shattered me completely. HE is my number one enemy, and that's what hurts me the most!. If it had been someone else… anyone else… it would've been painful but the fact that is him, makes the pain to be simply unbearable. There are many others in this school why it had to be him. WHY HIM?! He is a big-headed and self-centred idiot, how come she doesn't see it, but I'm confident the day she does, she'll ditch him, and that day is not far from today. _


	5. Chapter 5

_**December 1st, 1977**_

_I was walking towards Potions class today, when I saw Lily crying quietly outside the classroom, she had a piece of paper crushed in her hand. I approached her. _

"_Lily is everything all right?" I asked trying not to sound worried._

"_Yes" she said while she wiped out a tear "It's just a family issue" she tried to make her voice sound even and gave me a little smile. "But nothing life-threatening" _

"_Get away from her!" cried a voice down the corridor, I looked around and saw James coming straight toward me with his wand out pointing at me, I took out mine within a second._

"_James, no!" said Lily desperately "We were just talking!" _

"_I'm telling you Snivellus I don't want to see you near her" said James roughly with an intimidating look on his face._

"_Don't tell me what to do!!" I snapped at him. . _

"_I'm warning you…" continued James, looking deep into my eyes._

"_James, please" said Lily stepping in between us. Then she looked at me, with a plead in her eyes for me to leave, and that's why I left, because she silently asked me too and not because I am in any way afraid of James. _

_I went inside the classroom but not entirely in; I stayed close to the door so I could hear. _

"_Lily what's wrong?" said James with a really sweet voice. I heard Lily burst into tears. _

"_My sister" answered Lily sounding devastated. _

"_Is something wrong with her?" asked James worriedly. _

"_She's getting married" Lily's voice was clearly breaking "and doesn't want me to go to her wedding." _

"_How do you know that?" asked James._

"_My parent's letter" said Lily. I could hear paper sound; she probably was showing James the crushed piece of paper in her hand. _

"_It doesn't say---"started James_

"_They are covering it" interrupted Lily "They say they don't want me to miss a single day of school and that's why I shouldn't attend, but I know it's not true" continued Lily who was by now sobbing uncontrollably _

"_Petunia thinks I'm a freak" said Lily with a voice that showed she was deeply hurt. "She hates me" finished Lily quietly. _

_I pulled my head outside the door just a little bit, hoping they wouldn't see me. And I saw Lily crying her eyes out leaned over James chest and he was holding her tight and kissing her hair, she looked like a complete wreck. _

_What I wouldn't give to be the one that could comfort her when something goes wrong in her life, to be the shoulder in which she could cry, the one she could trust. I can't stand that is James the one that gets that privilege. _

_**April 8, 1978.**_

_I was eating lunch in the Great Hall, when I felt someone sat beside, I looked around and found Lucius Malfoy sitting next to me. _

"_Lucius Malfoy" he said introducing himself._

_He thought I didn't recognise him, but I still remember when I started my first year at Hogwarts, he was a seventh year, and rumour has it, he was the first of Hogwarts pupils to go over to the dark side. Now more than half of the Slytherins in my year work for he-who-must-not-be-named, that's an untold truth that everyone knows. Plus Lucius Malfoy's wedding to Narcissa Black was considered the event of the year, since it was a union between true pure bloods, and that's hardly seen nowadays. _

"_Severus Snape" I introduced myself_

"_The most talented student in Slytherin House" continued Lucius Malfoy. Well he is right about that. "Your fame precedes you"_

"_I've heard from most reliable sources, that Hogwarts hasn't seen better Potion Maker than you in centuries" He was so obviously trying to buy me up, but I let him continue "No one can perform Legilimens like you do, and you know more about the dark arts than the Defense Against Darks Art teacher himself" _

"_Is that so" I said as if I doubted his last statement, but of course I don't. _

"_You are a gifted student with talents that very few possess, and it would be a shame to see you waste them" Lucius paused "That's why I'm here, to make you a proposal" _

"_I'm listening" I said giving him my full and undivided attention._

"_The greatness of your abilities has reached the ears of the most powerful wizard there is" It was clear that Lucius didn't dare to say his name "And he wants to offer you the chance to exploit them to the fullest, that's why he's inviting to join him"_

_I took a sip of my pumpkin juice, I was feeling nervous although I hid it very well, you don't get invited to join you-know-who everyday._

"_Of course the challenges he'll present before you, will be the toughest you've ever faced but if you succeed and remain faithful to him, you'll have everything you ever dreamt of… wealth… recognition… but most of all power… power" Lucius made a lot of emphasis on "power" "so you can take reprisal upon those who deserve it…" Lucius looked over the window, where it was taking place a Gryffindor's Quidditch Practice, with Captain James Potter._

"_Think about it" said Lucius "You'll realise this is the best offer that anyone can make you" _

_And I'm surely thinking about it. I'm not particularly interested in wealth, but recognition and power, those are the things I most long for. I'm the best at Potions, Dark Arts, Legilimens and what Lucius doesn't know is that I'm also the best at Occlumency. And it's true by joining you-know-who I can exploit my talents to the fullest, and enjoy of enough power to make James see his luck, but I'm not stupid, I know that once you're in there's no turning back, its life service or death. And I'm not quite sure that's what I want to do for the rest of my life. . _

**_May 21__st__, 1978_**

_Today I sat my Defense Against the Dark Arts, N.E.W.T., piece of cake, I know I will get an Outstanding, I'm sure I didn't have a single mistake. _

_I was walking through the grounds feeling extremely happy about this when I saw a large circle of onlookers, apparently they were very excited. To see this kind of attention made me think of James, this surely had something to do with him and to my big misfortune I wasn't mistaken. When I arrived to where they were standing I saw Lily standing in front of a knelt James._

"_Lily… I fell in love with you since the very first time I saw you" said James sounding very emotional "You are the girl of my dreams… the one with whom I want to spend the rest of my life with." _

_Lily clapped her hands into her mouth, her emerald eyes began to glow in a way I had never seen before, it was like if one of her biggest dreams was coming true._

"_Do you want to marry me?" asked James nervously while he gave her, with a shaky hand, a ring with a green emerald stone, that is the exact same colour as her beautiful eyes. _

"_Yes, James" she said sounding completely elated. She took the ring from his hand that was still slightly trembling, and put it on. She looked at James who was standing up. _

"_You are the love my life" she said and threw her arms around his neck. He lifted her a little bit and held her tight… and that was the moment in which I decided it. I decided I'm going to accept Lucius Malfoy offer. _

_There aren't words that can possibly describe what I'm feeling right now, the pain, the anger. I cannot believe my worst nightmare has just become a reality. Lily is marrying James! My number one enemy! Not him!! Not him!! I hate him!! But he'll pay. He'll regret this. He doesn't know with whom he is dealing with! _


	6. Chapter 6

_**September 13, 1978.**_

_James and Lily got married yesterday. It was published in the Daily Prophet. _

"_**Weddings"**_

_**In these dark times in which you don't what will happen tomorrow, everyone is rushing in taking life decisions in which you usually take more time, like weddings.**_

_**A clear example happened yesterday when 18-year-old Lily Evans married 19-year-old James Potter. They met at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and after a year and half of being together they decided to get married.**_

_**Among the guests were: the distinguished Headmaster of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, Albus Dumbledore, and Deputy Headmistress and Head of Gryffindor House Minerva McGonagall, Head of Slytherin House Horace Slughorn, the couple's closest friends Sirius Black, who also was the Best Man, Remus Lupin, Peter Pettigrew, the recently married couple of aurors, Alice and Frank Longbottom, and the parents of both of them, although hers are muggles and didn't seem to adapt all too well.**_

_**The ceremony was brief, but full of joy. Happy faces all around, something that is not seen quite often in these dark times, and although their decision to get married so young seems to be hasten, the attendants of the event agree that they are meant to be together and therefore there's no point in waiting till later. **_

"_**I saw love between this two youngsters grow in the oddest of ways, but I can sense that it's pure and will last until death does them apart" declared Headmaster Albus Dumbledore.**_

"_**He knew she was the love of his life, since the very first time he saw her" declared Remus Lupin**_

"_**When you see them together you have no doubt they are just made for each other. I'm so glad they decided to get married" declared Alice Longbottom.**_

_**They surely seem to be very happy together, let's hope that this is a tale of true love with a happy ending. **_

_I hope so too. _

_**September 13, 1981**_

_Two years have passed since Lily and James got married, and since I last wrote on this diary. _

_What has my life been like since I left Hogwarts? Well I've got all of what Lucius promised me, who is by the way, one of my closest friends now. I'm invited over for dinner at least once a week, if only I wouldn't have to deal with their son, a spoiled little brat. _

_I'm considerable rich. I've mastered completely my abilities. I'm highly respected and feared after all I'm the Dark Lord's right hand, he trusts me beyond doubt, and he often assigns me the most dangerous and toughest missions. And not even once, I've failed, well that's obvious or I wouldn't be here. Failure as well as treason is paid with your life. _

_But the price I've paid is just too high. I've contributed to cause so much pain, and so much… death. I once thought the future that awaited Remus was a terrible one; well I'm sure it's not as half as terrible as mine. Only I had choice, he didn't. I choice I made in an attack of jealousy that obscured my mind and didn't let me think clearly. And that I surely regret now. _

_But I'm getting sick of it, and one day I'm going to walk out, I don't care if it costs my life. The guilt and the remorse of all the evil I've done are draining my soul and I don't want to live like this anymore. _


End file.
